I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
