My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
