i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
