Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
dude. I can hear the air.
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