Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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