Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
