i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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