Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need water and some morals
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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