Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
