shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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