sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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