I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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