remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
