Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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