Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
