i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
