There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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