I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
