My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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