Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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