I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize