Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
