I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
