wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My Higher Power is John Stamos
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
