I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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