Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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