his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
