Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
