Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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