Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm passing your future prison.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
