I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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