We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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