you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
