The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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