Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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