So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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