No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
