my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
