U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
