i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
