I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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