turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
