i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
