hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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