Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
