I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
