i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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