I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
