So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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