and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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