I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
