my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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