My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
